What is a "Good" Missionary?

One real struggle I had in the decision to stay another year was that I didn't feel like I really had the "missionary call." I might call it more the "missionary fall": I just "fell" into being a missionary. I really liked Spanish and Mexican culture and I love God and had enjoyed my two month summer experience in 2009. Especially with an eye towards immigrant ministry in the future, I figured that spending a year in Mexico would be a good move.

It wasn't until I began considering the possibility of staying a second year that I found that I really needed to wrestle with some misconceptions that I had in my own life. One of the biggest ones was that somehow missionaries were spiritual superstars. On a lot of levels I didn't feel "worthy" or "a good missionary." I still struggled with putting others needs above my own. Sometimes I slept late and didn't have a quiet time... or at best I rushed it. I was nervous speaking in churches or praying aloud in Spanish. So how could I possibly have a missionary call? I felt like I didn't even have the basics.

Here are some things that God has shown me during this time of processing my "inadequacies."

I don't have to have a huge internationally renown ministry to be effective. My responsibility is to be faithful with what God has given me. Like with the parable of the talents (Matt. 25:14-30), the key factor wasn't how many "talents" the master had given each servant, but what they did with them. God doesn't expect perfection; He wants faithfulness and then He will work in and through us. As one of my friends always said, "God doesn't choose the equipped, He equips those He chooses."

Second, and closely related to the first, God showed me that if He is calling me, He has plans for me and will use me. God's work in me is only "limited" to the extent that I limit myself. 2 Cor. 12:9 points out that God's power is "made perfect in weakness" so we can rest in that promise that He will make His name great even if we don't feel up to the task or have the first idea what we're getting ourselves into.

I was reading about the life of Moses during this decision process and was struck by his excuses to not serve. He focused on his inadequacies: how he was slow of speech and thought that therefore it couldn't be God's plan to use Him (not to mention he had run away from Egypt after killing a man and then being rejected by his own people... not exactly a good start to cultural relevancy). However, even after God gave him Aaron to help him, the responsibility was still on Moses.

Studying that story and God's response made me realize how hollow my excuses were; if the Lord really wanted me to be a missionary, we would do the necessary work in me! I reflected on what God had taught me just in the past year and realized that I will never be the "perfect missionary" or the "perfect Christian" even! And that's not the goal; faithfulness and a willing spirit are what God is looking for and He will do the rest.

God's thoughts are higher than my thoughts... and that means that sometimes I won't understand them!

The LORD said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” Ex. 4:11-12