God Is Our Refuge and Strength

  

Psalm 46 

God is our refuge and strength,

a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

though its waters roar and foam,

though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy habitation of the Most High.

God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;

God will help her when morning dawns.

The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;

he utters his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

Come, behold the works of the Lord,

how he has brought desolations on the earth.

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;

he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

he burns the chariots with fire.

“Be still, and know that I am God.

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!”

The Lord of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah

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One of my friends on the Avance team read this passage to us as we were standing outside of the building where we had the meeting, following the earthquake.  The words of this psalm have certainly taken on new meaning for me since that time!  Though things on earth may fall apart, nations rage, and waters roar and foam, God is in control.  I can be still and rest and know that He is God.  I am free to not fear.  What a blessing!  

Missionary or Hero?

Another lingering question after the earthquake is:  What is the appropriate response for a missionary after a natural disaster like this?  Does Avance abandon standard Avance practice and strike out on our own to go "save the world?"  Many people were rushing around doing things in the days right after the earthquake, but there actually got to be too many piles of food in some places, and so many volunteers that they were jeopardizing the rescue operations.  The military and police crews even had to block people from entering.

There were so many truly heroic first responders who literally removed rubble by hand to aid in the rescue efforts of those trapped under buildings, and I am so truly impressed by how the city immediately mobilized.  Mexico has my heart, my love, my compassion, and my respect!  I think that I am just trying to figure out what my role is in the midst of all of this. 

I have been struggling with people's comments that we should have sent the team into the rubble as soon as the earthquake hit.  My duty was to keep the team safe, though, and honestly, what would they have been able to accomplish anyway?  They are all barely out of college (one barely out of high school!), and may don't even speak enough Spanish to interact with rescue teams anyway.  In addition to breaking faith with their families back home, I'm not sure that they would have even made enough of a difference to justify it!

This is an ongoing question for me moving forward, as I am trying to be faithful to my current role as Avance interim director, but also wondering what more I can be doing to bless this country and aid in rescue efforts.  It's hard to avoid the desire to do grand, noble, visible work, in favor of quiet, behind the scenes, but necessary work.  Please pray for me, and for our team, as we try to find this balance.

Hidden Cracks

In the wake of the central Mexico earthquake of September 19th, 2017, I am on the one hand profoundly grateful for the protection that God has shown me and my loved ones here.  We escaped without a scratch and without even damage to property!

That being said, there were definitely internal effects of the quake, not as visible to the naked eye.  In the days following the earthquake, I was skittish... as one friend put it, she felt like a guinea pig: one moment, eating contentedly; the next, running madly for cover at the first loud noise.  Boy, could I relate!  I was constantly on edge, adrenaline flooding my body at the constant sounds of sirens or any other loud sound, as of something falling.  The Saturday after the earthquake, my sister Susanna and I woke to the sound of the earthquake alarm going off again.  It was a terrifying moment, and we ran out of the house as fast as we could, Sus not even stopping long enough to put on her shoes.  Though we didn't even feel that day's earthquake (the epicenter was located many miles away), it was still hard to adjust to normal life, or even a normal heart-rate for a long time.  That night, after my sister returned to the States, I just broke down.  I was so tired and so afraid.

Alternating with the bouts of panic in those first few days were deep periods of indecision and listlessness.  I had the privilege of receiving great counsel in the days after the earthquake, and I remember one speaker saying that the common "fight or flight" responses are not the only options in the face of a disaster.  "Freeze" or numbness is also a common response.  I definitely fell into that category!  Which is not really great, since, as a leader, I was expected to make decisions, and, as a missionary, I was expected to do, do, do!  I thank God that I was able to make the most necessary decisions, which kept our team safe and their families apprised of their whereabouts.  Still, it was hard to feel like I wasn't doing enough.  This continues to be a struggle.  It's different than survivor's guilt.  It's the guilt of not being the "hero" of the situation, the first person to run into the rubble.  My next post will deal with some of this, as well.

Lincoln Logs

Over and over for weeks after the earthquake, I kept thinking about when we were kids at the learning center and learned about earthquakes.  Some moved up and down, others moved side to side.  The up and down ones were more dangerous.  I remember building little houses out of Lincoln Logs in on of the exhibits.  We built them on a table that could be turned on to simulate the movements of an earthquake, and we had to see what would make the building withstand the force.  With so many buildings that just crumbled in this earthquake, this is the image that I can't put from my mind.

Day After Reflections

Here is a write-up that my sister Susanna helped me with, the day after the earthquake, when we had just returned to my apartment, for the first time (thankfully finding it almost entirely unharmed, save for a broken vase.)

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I'm sure you have heard of the powerful earthquake that has affected Mexico City. Firstly, my sister and I are both safe and sound. We, nor anyone else on the Avance team were hurt by yesterday's earthquake.

When the 7.1 magnitude earthquake hit, we were thankfully with the entire Avance team in the same place for a meeting. What a blessing this was because we all knew right away that everyone was safe, rather than the entire team having to communicate to us in a frenzy their location and situation. Amazingly, as a team, we had just gone over the protocol for an earthquake and the entire city itself had a mandatory earthquake drill only a few hours before the actual earthquake took place. It's hard to believe how perfectly timed this preparation was.

We all remained in the hostel where the meeting was until today anticipating a potential aftershock and being careful for fear of opportunistic assault happening in some parts of the city. Some buildings were still collapsing last night and into today. Thankfully, there have been many minor tremors--which have released pressure--but there's been no singular, major aftershock. After the 24 hour mark of the quake, the chances of a major aftershock recede.

Though we and those we know, love and work with in the city are all well and accounted for, countless others are not. School children and grocery shoppers have been buried in rubble. Today we spent many hours in prayer and worship as well as preparing food to take to those medical and emergency workers desperately still trying to unearth those still alive. Many local folks from churches and organizations all came together in this effort. It's hard to feel the full gravity of a surreal moment like this while in relative safety.

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This is just scratching the surface of what it was like for us, but I thought that I would still publish it, as my sister helped me so much in writing it, and as it was originally written the very day after the earthquake. The rest of Susanna's visit was so strange, as we tried to really enjoy our time as sisters... and yet didn't really have the heart to do too many fun/touristy things. We also determined not to be any farther than one room apart, at any given time. I still shudder to think of how terrifying it would have been to have been separated during the quake, especially if it left us unable to communicate! Praise God, He protected us both physically and emotionally. We literally ran out of the building on September 19th, clinging onto one another. It was a time that certainly brought us close together, and I am grateful for the precious support that it was to have Susanna with me over those days. We were both very emotionally impacted by it, but she handled it very well and was a great support for me during her time here.

Normal Reactions in Times of Crisis

These are some common symptoms when experiencing traumatic events.  If you identify with any of these reactions and feelings, you should know that that is normal and natural.  Here you will see some suggestions for finding healing.

Symptoms:

n  Problems sleeping or resting

n  Feeling emotionally cold

n  Intense worry for others

n  Survivors guilt

n  Concentration problems

n  Loss of self-confidence

n  Vivid memories of the recent or past event

n  Need to be alone

n  Difficulty returning to a normal level of activity

n  Feeling overwhelmed

n  Nausea, dizziness

n  Headaches or chest pains

Feelings

n  Stress/nervousness

n  Vulnerability

n  Frustration

n  Powerlessness

n  Anger

n  Hopelessness

n  Sadness

n  Fear

n  Panic

n  Instability

n  Uncertainty

n  Irritability

n  Anxiety

Counsel/Suggestions

n  Talk with people when you need to

n  Share your feelings and thoughts with others

n  Seek company

n  Listen to the feelings of your friends

n  Remember that you are normal and you are having normal reactions to an abnormal event.

n  Give yourself permission to feel bad

n  Do gentle physical exercises, alternating with periods of relaxation

n  Structure your time, keep yourself busy

n  Try to have a lifestyle as close to normal as possible

n  Write during periods of insomnia

n  Do things or think about things that make you feel good.

n  Rest enough to recover your strength

n  Eat balanced and regular meals (even if you don’t feel like it).

n  Don’t make drastic decisions

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”  -- C. S. Lewis

I Can't Do This!!

There have been so many times since I started this role as interim director (just over a month ago!) that I have thought, "I can't do this!  I'm going crazy!  I'm so unprepared!".  The needs of the team, both in a regular rhythm, as well as in the midst of their personal crises; two earthquakes, plus a third earthquake alarm; days and long nights of being seriously on edge; criticisms and gracelessness; endless responsibilities and accompanying failures; I could go on.  I have had so many doubts about my ability to do this job well, and they seem to be reinforced by every failure I have or by any off-handed comment that someone makes.

What I keep coming back to, though, what I MUST keep coming back to, is that God's strength is made perfect in my weakness.  Where I can't, God can.  Perhaps this is just working in me a humility that will run to Him in prayer and dependence.  A willingness to seek the counsel of others who are older and wiser.  Though I may not come through this year as a glowing model of heroic action in leadership, I pray that I will do good to those around me, and become more conformed to the image of Christ.  If this comes to pass, then this year will have been a success!

I am including a video that a friend shared for our worship time yesterday, and it seems to really describe where my life is right now.  Hard, but good.