Healing and Insight

I remember in college having an assignment in which we were to do a timeline of our lives and describe the experiences that we had had, and also what we had learned and how we were shaped along the way.  It was interesting to me to note that the times I grew the most were the times of trial... but the times that I had the most self-awareness were the times of rest.  That pattern has been repeated again this year, for sure!

I would say that the fall of 2017 (as well as the spring and summer of 2018, to a lesser degree), were times of great turbulence in my life.  Honestly, I think that I experienced a degree of burnout, from which I am still recovering.  The ironic thing is, in the fall, when I was most deeply immersed in the burnout, was when I was least aware of what was actually going on!  I would say, "Life is so difficult", or "I'm on the brink of burnout", or "I don't think that I can keep going at this rate", or, most commonly, "All I want to do is sleep!".  Still, I was very little aware of what was going on, beyond the vague feeling that things were very out of control and definitely not good.

In the spring, I had a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the fall as part of a coaching training week-long intensive.  That began to open up my mind and heart to some options of how my life and schedule could be better.  What a gift!  I believe that it was from that point on that I started to heal somewhat from my difficult fall.  It wasn't a total rest, as I jumped back into Avance leadership upon my return from the training, but at least I wasn't sinking further at that point.

My healing and self-awareness had reached a new point in February when I was finally able to admit that I had been deeply burned out in the fall and that I was still not even close to operating at 100% capacity.  It was also helpful for me to realize that, although I was no longer living in such an unhealthy pace of life, I was still suffering the effects of that time.  This realization gave me a measure of grace to be able to take rest when I needed it and to begin intentionally seeking how I could build back up to a healthy place (while not neglecting the duties that were still on my plate!)

The summer was a mixed bag, because the pace is always very busy, and in that sense, I found it to be physically tiring, and feel that I didn't make all that much progress in resting/recovering.  That said, our summer team was the best I have ever seen, over the past 7 summers.  Such a joy to work with!  Also, our leadership team was really amazing, and it was such a gift to not have to worry about whether or not things would get done.  In that sense, I began to feel what it was to open up and trust people more.  That really helped me to be able to delegate better!

Nevertheless, I ended the summer really drained and still in denial of the hard "work" that I needed to do to recover and be in a healthy place for the start of the fall program.  I spent a good deal of time sleeping and it was only at the command of the rest of leadership that I took a small step back during my time in August and took things really easy.  I went on a spiritual retreat (against my wishes!) and spent the entire time just crying and crying.  I realized that it was one of the first times that I had been able to cry since about December.  What might have at first started out as intentionally holding back tears became a near-inability to cry at all.  I had decided to shut off any negative feelings which resulted in numbness of all feelings to a degree.  I also realized over that retreat that I had been very distant from the Lord, even though I had continued in ministry and remained connected at church.  I had been participating in a surface-level, but had really retreated on a deep level.  I knew that the next stage of my healing would be being honest before God and others.  I had to begin to grieve the pain and difficulty of the last year, and open myself up to healing, not just numbing out.

I have realized that I am now moving into the "insight" stage of this experience, and starting to see 1) what I need to do to heal, and 2) I am starting to see some of the good that God is bringing out of this experience.

Healing

I am learning to take better care of myself, and also allowing myself to experience emotions (they are not bad!  Sadness is not bad!).  I have been spending much more time in prayer, and also beginning to seek out resources that will also help me to recover.  I'm trying to rest as often as possible/needed.  I am learning to say no when necessary and basking in God's grace for me to not have to be everything and do everything.  I am learning to extend grace to others as well! 

I have had some great talks with people, and I find that I am just enjoying and being grateful for people more.  In fact, I find that I am enjoying and being grateful for so many areas of life that were just a numb blur before.

As I have been in this healing process, I have been realizing the goodness of God.  Even though He often leads us through dark times, He is always by our side and loves us.  I also see all of the good things that He gives me on a daily basis, even in the midst of painful circumstances.  Even just in the gift of rest, I am reminded that we are not slaves but sons and daughters.  He wants fellowship with us, not just our rote service.  He gives us grace and peace.  Those are gifts that we are supposed to embrace!

These are some scattered musings on the past year, but I hope the continue to post more over the upcoming weeks and months, as I reflect and learn more.