Reflections on the Journey Home

Let me start by saying that when I made the whirlwind decision to leave Mexico in March of 2020 to spend the first part of the pandemic in Pittsburgh with my family, I fully intended that I would be returning to Mexico to live and work still for an indefinite period of time.  Throughout the summer and fall, that remained my plan.

However, starting around January, I began to reflect on how much I loved being in Pittsburgh with family and in a community that I deeply loved, as well.  I found that being out of Mexico didn't mean that I had lost opportunities for ministry (in fact, in many ways, my options seemed to have multiplied!)  I was blessed to be able to be in a family context and had the privilege of helping to care for family on both extremes of the age range -- my one-year-old (now two-year-old) nephew, and my 96-year-old (soon to be 97-year-old!) grandmother!  

I also was able to maintain my involvement with Avance because everything was online.  It required some definite adaptation, but it was amazing how we were able to keep traction with our interns when we had to overhaul the program from one day to the next.  I was also able to begin volunteering with a pregnancy resource center (Women's Choice Network) one day a week, and I really enjoyed my involvement in that.  Finally, as much as I missed being with my church family in Mexico, it was also a delight to be with my church family in Pittsburgh.  It was such a joy to be a part of the worship ministry, the young adults ministry, and to dream about greater involvement in the women's ministry in the fall!  

In January, I began to consider leaving Mexico and the possibility of staying in Pittsburgh for the next season of my life.  I wrestled so deeply with that decision and spent a lot of time in prayer and seeking counsel.  I didn't want to make a choice that would be disobedient to the Lord, if he had, indeed, called me to do missions work in Mexico City for the rest of my days.  Through prayer and counsel, however, I began to sense that my time in Mexico with Avance was drawing to a close. I was grateful to realize that I would be able to continue with the work of discipleship from Pittsburgh, even though Mexico and the ministry of Avance would remain near and dear to my heart.  

Thankfully, I will also be able to continue my involvement part-time with Avance in the area of member care.  I will be communicating with the women on the team through regular calls, as well as planning visits back to Mexico a few times a year, Lord willing.  

Some Prayer Requests -- More detail

Greenville University Trip (October 22-25) -- 

I am sharing my testimony in chapel at Greenville University (IL) on Wednesday, October 24, as well as sharing about Avance in different classes throughout the week.  This will be a really exciting trip, and I ask that you would pray for me that God would help me to share well, and also that He would bring the people across my path who should consider the Avance program.  (For that matter, if any of you are interested in serving in Mexico or know of someone who might be, I would love to talk with you/them!)

Wisdom

With each passing month, it becomes more soberingly clear to me the level of impact that I can have as a leader in this program.  Young adults who come with us are trying to discern God's calling for their lives, and are learning many basic life skills, as well as ministry and cross-cultural adaptation skills.  And the average age is between 22-25.  I am always being asked if I can help people with everything from medical concerns to relationship concerns to how best to share the Gospel, among scads of other topics.  Sometimes the concerns are deepers, such as dealing with depression and anxiety.  I often feel like I am in over my head ... and I just desperately want to offer wise input into these lives. 

Capacity Decisions and Staffing

We have been having a good "problem" in that Avance has seen a huge increase in participants on the year and semester programs.  For the past almost 10 years that I have been involved in the ministry, five or six people would have been considered a "big" group during the year.  Lately we have been holding steady around ten people for the past couple of years, and that number looks like it will be increasing.  While this is an answer to prayers, in many ways, it can still present a challenge as we currently don't have the capacity to handle a group of 15 or 20 participants during the year.  Please pray that God would bring the right people alongside us as long-term staff and that we would be able  to meet this exciting new challenge at full capacity. 

Reworking the Program

Another exciting challenge that we face is that, for the first time in many years, it seems that we are in a good position to not only manage the daily working of the Avance program, but also look at making changes and streamlining aspects of the program, such as the curriculum and trainings that we are doing.  This should hopefully create more helpful learning objectives for the young adults in the program and will also make us more organized as leaders.  That said, it will be a lot of work, so please pray for us!

My Relationship with God

Basically, anytime you think of me and wonder what to pray for, you can always pray for this!  May I grow closer to the Lord everyday and live a life of faithfulness!  Over the past year, it became abundantly clear to me that no matter how despairing, numb, or disconnected I felt, God was always holding me and drawing me back to Him.  While this is such a delight and a place of security for me, I also know that I would prefer to live in a place of passion and blessing to others.  :-)  So, I appreciate your prayers on my behalf that all of my ministry would flow out of a place of deep rootedness in Christ!  

Healing and Insight

I remember in college having an assignment in which we were to do a timeline of our lives and describe the experiences that we had had, and also what we had learned and how we were shaped along the way.  It was interesting to me to note that the times I grew the most were the times of trial... but the times that I had the most self-awareness were the times of rest.  That pattern has been repeated again this year, for sure!

I would say that the fall of 2017 (as well as the spring and summer of 2018, to a lesser degree), were times of great turbulence in my life.  Honestly, I think that I experienced a degree of burnout, from which I am still recovering.  The ironic thing is, in the fall, when I was most deeply immersed in the burnout, was when I was least aware of what was actually going on!  I would say, "Life is so difficult", or "I'm on the brink of burnout", or "I don't think that I can keep going at this rate", or, most commonly, "All I want to do is sleep!".  Still, I was very little aware of what was going on, beyond the vague feeling that things were very out of control and definitely not good.

In the spring, I had a wonderful opportunity to reflect on the fall as part of a coaching training week-long intensive.  That began to open up my mind and heart to some options of how my life and schedule could be better.  What a gift!  I believe that it was from that point on that I started to heal somewhat from my difficult fall.  It wasn't a total rest, as I jumped back into Avance leadership upon my return from the training, but at least I wasn't sinking further at that point.

My healing and self-awareness had reached a new point in February when I was finally able to admit that I had been deeply burned out in the fall and that I was still not even close to operating at 100% capacity.  It was also helpful for me to realize that, although I was no longer living in such an unhealthy pace of life, I was still suffering the effects of that time.  This realization gave me a measure of grace to be able to take rest when I needed it and to begin intentionally seeking how I could build back up to a healthy place (while not neglecting the duties that were still on my plate!)

The summer was a mixed bag, because the pace is always very busy, and in that sense, I found it to be physically tiring, and feel that I didn't make all that much progress in resting/recovering.  That said, our summer team was the best I have ever seen, over the past 7 summers.  Such a joy to work with!  Also, our leadership team was really amazing, and it was such a gift to not have to worry about whether or not things would get done.  In that sense, I began to feel what it was to open up and trust people more.  That really helped me to be able to delegate better!

Nevertheless, I ended the summer really drained and still in denial of the hard "work" that I needed to do to recover and be in a healthy place for the start of the fall program.  I spent a good deal of time sleeping and it was only at the command of the rest of leadership that I took a small step back during my time in August and took things really easy.  I went on a spiritual retreat (against my wishes!) and spent the entire time just crying and crying.  I realized that it was one of the first times that I had been able to cry since about December.  What might have at first started out as intentionally holding back tears became a near-inability to cry at all.  I had decided to shut off any negative feelings which resulted in numbness of all feelings to a degree.  I also realized over that retreat that I had been very distant from the Lord, even though I had continued in ministry and remained connected at church.  I had been participating in a surface-level, but had really retreated on a deep level.  I knew that the next stage of my healing would be being honest before God and others.  I had to begin to grieve the pain and difficulty of the last year, and open myself up to healing, not just numbing out.

I have realized that I am now moving into the "insight" stage of this experience, and starting to see 1) what I need to do to heal, and 2) I am starting to see some of the good that God is bringing out of this experience.

Healing

I am learning to take better care of myself, and also allowing myself to experience emotions (they are not bad!  Sadness is not bad!).  I have been spending much more time in prayer, and also beginning to seek out resources that will also help me to recover.  I'm trying to rest as often as possible/needed.  I am learning to say no when necessary and basking in God's grace for me to not have to be everything and do everything.  I am learning to extend grace to others as well! 

I have had some great talks with people, and I find that I am just enjoying and being grateful for people more.  In fact, I find that I am enjoying and being grateful for so many areas of life that were just a numb blur before.

As I have been in this healing process, I have been realizing the goodness of God.  Even though He often leads us through dark times, He is always by our side and loves us.  I also see all of the good things that He gives me on a daily basis, even in the midst of painful circumstances.  Even just in the gift of rest, I am reminded that we are not slaves but sons and daughters.  He wants fellowship with us, not just our rote service.  He gives us grace and peace.  Those are gifts that we are supposed to embrace!

These are some scattered musings on the past year, but I hope the continue to post more over the upcoming weeks and months, as I reflect and learn more. 

Working Unto the Lord?

A thought that has really been on my heart and mind a lot lately is: What does it mean to work in a distinctly redeemed way?  If I weren't working in "full-time ministry," would anyone even know I was a Christian?

Part of this has come as a result of the burnout and seeking to return to healthy patterns, rather than just getting pulled by what feels most urgent in the moment.  I also feel a great responsibility to have a healthy relationship with work, as I know that will trickle down to the rest of the team that I am currently leading.

I have also been blessed to be a part of a Bible study at my church, in which we are studying Trabajo y Redencion ("Work Matters"), by Tom Nelson.  It has been such a thought-provoking study, especially as I find myself doing work that is Christian in it's content (Bible studies, discipleship, worship, etc.), but can easily be done in a way that does not reflect Christ!

Do I seek the Lord in prayer for decisions and burdens, or do I just stress about them?  Do I gossip about others in the ministry or do I pray with and for them?  To my words bring life or death?

Do I put projects above people and efficiency over blessing others?

Do I care about nurturing people's understanding of Christ and themselves in Him?  Or am I more results driven and focused on their outward behavioral change?

Especially as I am coming out of a period of burnout, I find myself trying to protect myself from drowning again in needs and tasks.

How much of my responses are selfish and defensive, and how much are made in faith?  Are my boundaries healthy and God-honoring?

Do I have healthy patterns of work and rest?  Am I resting sufficiently at night, and am I observing the Sabbath?  Or am I resting too much (laziness and self-indulgence) or am I working too much (self-imposed slavery).

Can I say both "yes" and "no" in faith?

November Update Letter That Got Lost in the Void

The Goodness of the Lord

My last email was somewhat of a discouraged, disorganized mess.  And it pretty accurately reflected the state of my heart at the time.  I was burnt out and struggling even to be coherent.  What a difference a few short weeks can witness!  For the past month or so, I have been focusing on the goodness of the Lord and the gifts that He gives us.  What started out as a training for our team to curb complaining has become a tremendous gift to me as I have realized how much I tend to complain, and have been afforded the opportunity to bless our good God, instead! 

What I didn't share....

Every time I have been faced with something that seems way too big to handle, and I have had no clue as to how I should proceed, I can always look back on how God has provided exactly what I have needed at exactly the right time.  He has faithfully provided host families for our team, He saw to it that we were all safely together (and with older, wiser Christian leaders) during the earthquake, He has provided each and every specific answer to every single difficulty I have faced this year.  While it can feel natural to fall into complaining that I have faced trials, I would be sorely remiss to ignore the God who has faithfully carried me through each of them! 

Give Thanks!

I would love to know how I can join you in thanking the Lord!  If you are up for it, please share with me an area where you find it hard to be thankful.  I will be happy to pray for you about that.

I am so thankful for all of you!  It was a huge encouragement to receive your emails and other messages, especially when I was feeling so discouraged at the beginning of this school year. 

The City Dances

Mexico City dances all the time. 

Almost every bus driver has dance music playing in his vehicle, weaving in and out of traffic with thrilling -- and, at times, chilling -- precision. 

Even crossing the road here is a kind of dance.  There are never any true pedestrian crossings, so when a large enough group of people assembles on the side of the street, they take their turn to cross while the drivers obediently wait for them.  No lights or guards are needed to direct the people.  There is a collective unspoken sense of timing.

Daily I experience the serendipity (or sometimes confusion) of unforeseen changes in rhythm.  They all add to the beauty of the daily push, pull, and turns of life here.

Conversations have a rhythm and a flow.  They are a combination of set traditions combined with witty twists, which often culminate in uninhibited laughter.  This pattern of riffing on a theme creates both structure and freshness in every interaction. 

Twist. Turn. Sun. Rain. Laughter. Tears. Repeat. 

This cycle is an stirring song.

These steps are a beautiful dance.

Gratitude Challenge: Days 11-20

November 11 -- I thank God for the pain of goodbyes, because they make me treasure my loved ones even more!

November 12 -- I thank God for plans that fall through and situations that seem like a disaster ... because God's plans are always better than my plans. Just as He has always been faithful in the past, He will continue to be faithful in the future!

November 13 -- I thank God that His standards of "what is good" don't have to line up with ours. He so often blesses us in ways that we do not understand and may even interpret as a very bad result. Still, "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Rom. 8:28)

November 14 -- I thank God for time spent in public transportation, because, in a sense, it slows down the pace of life. It takes so much longer to get things done, that I feel a sense of peace and rest in knowing that it can’t all be done in a day. This is actually a very nice change, compared to the frantic pace that life can sometimes take in the States.

November 15 -- I thank God when I am stuck behind slow people because it means that I am physically healthy enough to be faster than they are. There was a time when I wasn’t. There was a time when I would look longingly at the senior from my church and envy them as they seemed to bound up the stairs while I was hobbling. There was a time that I would have to sit and rest after walking for 1 minute. Praise God that I can now walk quickly! May I have grace and compassion with others who cannot.

November 16: Faith is not the belief that God will do what you WANT; It is the belief that God will do what is RIGHT! -- Max Lucado

November 17: I thank God that He allows us to make mistakes. While they are embarrassing and sometimes painful, they are also often some of the best lessons that I have learned.

November 18: I thank God for scars. (For more on this, see my post about "Scars and Thankfulness.")

November 19 -- I thank God for my weaknesses, because His strength is made perfect in my weakness. My weakness draws me close to Him, and that is the greatest gift that anyone can have – to see their need of God!

November 20 -- I thank God for my constantly dripping sink because the pitcher under it reminds me to water my plants. My plants are also thankful for this arrangement.